Reliving the Past
by Gabi
Summary: Rory and Jess went through college together and then in different paths. But when Jess' fiancé dies and he runs away Rory has to go find him... and herself again. Lit
1. Prologue

A/N (please read it):  
  
Hey people! How are you guys? Well, in this fic I'm trying something different, there will be a LOT of new people and cities so I just want to make one thing clear: I don't know any of the cities that I mention in this fic, the only thing that I know about them is that they were in a map. So, sorry if they're nothing like what I say. I hope you enjoy it because I'm loving to write this story and I'm putting my heart, my soul, my blood and my memories in this. Thank you so much for reading this and I hope you like it. Reviews are highly appreciated. I mean it; please tell me what you think Ps.: This first song is the one that made me write this story in the first place, that's why I put it with the Prologue. There wouldn't be another place to it.  
  
  
  
"This was a good-bye kiss / That you give just once in a life time  
  
It explains everything without fighting / And it makes light in the darkest day  
  
That's okay if it didn't work out / I thought we came so close  
  
But now I certainly see / That in the end I loved for both of us  
  
But you remember, you'll remember me / That our love was worth it   
  
Remember, this is our happy end   
  
You'll remember, you'll remember, yeah / You'll remember me"   
  
(Você Vai Lembrar de Mim by Nenhum de Nós)  
  
  
  
Prologue  
  
  
  
It had been two years since Rory and Jess ended their relationship. After graduation from school they had gone to Yale together and continued dating like they had in high school. While in Yale they got to know a lot of people that became their friends, like Jack, Josh, Krista, Bianca, Andrew, Gyn and some others. Rory and Jess had created this life together, this little world that would only belong to them. It wasn't perfect but it was totally full, with family, friends, happiness and problems.  
  
It was in Yale too that they figured out what they really wanted to do. Jess, as it was already supposed to, wanted to become a writer. This was his thing. He wasn't the kind of person who would follow a schedule, work behind a desk and obey orders and be happy. He had a free spirit and a wild soul. He had to create, to live by his own rules, to do what he wanted to do whenever he wanted to do. This would make him happy. Not explain himself to a middle-aged guy who had no personality, no life and a closed mind.  
  
Rory, in the opposite, liked to have schedules, pressure and a big, old, bad tempered boss, thank you very much. After a while she found out that she really wanted to be a journalist, but not an overseas one. She would miss her family, her friends and her little town in Connecticut way too much. She wanted to travel and get to know the world, yes, but as a tourist. What she really wanted to be was a journalist in a paper in Connecticut. Not as small as Stars Hollow Gazette, but one near enough so she could actually live in Stars Hollow.  
  
So, when they graduated in Yale, Jess accepted the scholarship to this creativity course that this new school offered him. It was a great opportunity, with great teachers and a whole new way to teach and learn writing. The only problem was it was in this little town called Kingston, NY. It wasn't far away from Connecticut, just a few hours. But they wouldn't be able to live together or see each other every day.  
  
At first Jess had doubts, but Rory helped him to make the decision insisting to him take the chance. And so he did. She knew how rare this opportunity was and how happy he would be doing this course. She couldn't be the one holding him back.  
  
In the same time a job in the Hartford's Daily was offered to Rory. It was a good job, with nice people and good salary. And besides it was just half an hour from Stars Hollow. There wasn't even one reason not to accept the job.  
  
She started working two weeks after that. Time goes by and not long after they had moved to their new towns they found out it was harder than they thought to keep a long-distance relationship. So they stopped keeping it. It was just too much. Rory was new in the paper so she had no time off. And she liked it. She couldn't be happier with her work; she was doing what she always wanted to do. Jess was pretty happy too. He had these crazy teachers who knew everything about every book written. He was reading a lot, more than he ever did. And he had started writing too. At first just a few short stories, but he was getting better, writing less and longer stories. With all this going on in their lives they really couldn't find time to go visit each other, they were just to busy.  
  
They tried to find a way with Jess going to Stars Hollow from time to time, but when he did it Rory couldn't stop working to enjoy their time together and he ended up spending more time with Lorelai then with Rory. So it got to a point that they didn't have any other choice, they broke up. It was something mutual and not as painful as it could have been. They saw it coming a long time ago and their relationship was non-existent by now. They just made it official.  
  
They didn't lose touch thought. They kept talking to each other at least once a week. They had too much history to just throw everything they had in the garbage. But, as it was expected to, they started meeting new people, the had to move on.  
  
Jess was the first one to get a new girlfriend, Jessica. Lorelai mocked him for the longest time and it was funny, especially because Jessica's friends used to call her Jess. Seeing Jess had really moved on Rory felt allowed to go and try to find someone too. Three months after Jess had started dating Jessica Rory met Mark. He was a lawyer that had been introduced to her by a co-worker. They started dating not long after that. Mark was tall with brown hair and brown eyes. He was a lot like Dean, what wasn't necessarily good or bad.  
  
He was really kind to everyone and nice to her, he was almost a workaholic and romantic and not really jealous and possessive, but he liked to always know where she was and with who, like if he wanted to have some kind of control over her life. It bothered her, but not enough to make her break up with him so she just got used to it.  
  
Before Rory and Mark had completed two months together Jess and Jessica broke up. Apparently they weren't meant to be. Just a few months passed and he started dating again, this time Katlyn.  
  
About a year and a half had passed. Rory is still living with Lorelai in Stars Hollow, working in the same paper and dating the same boyfriend. She became a workaholic with accumulated vacations and no day off. Jess in the other hand was getting serious in his relation with Katlyn. They were living together and Jess was starting to think that maybe she was the one; maybe he should propose to her.  
  
But then again destiny is ironic. It is funny how a whole year can pass and almost nothing change in your life. And then the phone rings and everything changes forever. 


	2. Katlyn

"I want a hug / I'm going to run away from my home  
  
Can I sleep here...with you?   
  
I'm afraid / I had a nightmare   
  
I won't come back anytime soon"  
  
(Pais e Filhos by Legião Urbana)  
  
  
  
Chap 01 - Katlyn  
  
  
  
* ring * ring * ring *  
  
"Lorelai Gilmore speaking"  
  
"Hey, hon, how are you?"  
  
"Mom? Mom, what happened? I left the house less than twenty minutes ago. You can't have already missed me"  
  
"Well, I miss you all the time. You're my favorite daughter"  
  
"Yeah, but you've never called me so early"  
  
"I just wanted to check on you. Ror, do you think we could have lunch together?"  
  
"Okay, now I'm sure there's something wrong. You have lunch with Luke every single day. It's already a tradition! What's going on?"  
  
Lorelai sighted. She knew she couldn't keep it from Rory even for just one more minute. "Are you sat?"  
  
Rory sat on her chair in front of her desk, "Yeah"  
  
"Ror, you know Katlyn. Well she was going to work when an accident happened. A truck hit her car. She died instantly. Jess got the news about an hour ago. Then he disappeared. No one knows where he is now. He left a note thought. Anyway, I thought you would want to know everything as soon as you could, so I'm telling you. Luke is getting ready and we're going to Kingston in three or four hours to the funeral and stuff. If you want to."  
  
"I'll go with you"  
  
"But don't you have to work?"  
  
"Jess is more important. I'll be home in half hour"  
  
"Okay, we'll wait for you"  
  
"Thanks. Bye"  
  
Rory hung up the phone with shaking hands. She may had sound a little cold in the phone, but she just didn't know what to say. She couldn't think. The only thing that was in her mind was Jess. He must be devastated. She needed to be there for him.  
  
She got up, went to a door and knocked on it softly. She heard a "Come in" and opened it quietly. Sitting in front of her was her boss. She entered the room and closed the door behind her.  
  
"How may I help you Ms. Gilmore?"  
  
"Mr. Gray, I have a family emergency and I'll have to ask to use my accumulated vacations now. I'm sorry I gave you no time noticed but it was a surprise for all of us"  
  
"No problem", the old man said carefully. "I hope it's nothing serious. You can use your accumulated vacations. We'll start counting from tomorrow. You can go now if you want to, thought"  
  
"I'll have to go now then. Thanks for being so comprehensive"  
  
"Don't mention. I'm sorry I can't help you more"  
  
Rory headed to the door and went back to Stars Hollow. She wasn't really close to Katlyn. She thought she was a nice person and all and they were polite to each other but they weren't friends. Right now what was really bothering her was Jess. She didn't know where he was, but she knew he was suffering and that made her suffer. She just wanted to be with him now, to hold him, to help him in every way she could. But what could she do now? The woman was dead. There's nothing to do. She got home and packed two big luggages. When Rory was almost done she heard the door opening.  
  
"Rory?"  
  
"Bedroom"  
  
"Hey", Lorelai said in the door way, looking at her daughter. They stood like this for a moment and then the two women hugged. In moments like this you start to think about how things could have happened in another was. Just when someone near you dies is that you realize how death is something unexpectated and how ease things can change forever. One moment you know this person. You love her. You live with her. In the other she's gone and you'll never be able to talk to her again.  
  
"How is Jess?"  
  
"Don't know. No one knows where he is yet"  
  
Rory nodded and sighted. Jess would want to be alone in a time like this.  
  
"I'm done packing. We can go whenever you want to"  
  
"I'm just waiting Luke. He's closing the diner and will be here any minute now" Lorelai paused when she saw Rory's luggage. "Aren't you bringing to much to this trip? We're staying there just for a couple of days"  
  
"No, I'm going with my car and I'll spend sometime there, with Jess. I forgot to tell you, I asked Mr. Gray to use my vacations now. Jess needs me and I'll be there for him. I just asked you to wait for me because I don't know where Jess lives", Rory said in one breath. She was trying to organize her thoughts and tell Lorelai what she had planned while coming home from Heartford. But the only things playing in her mind were questions. "What if it was you?" "Would he miss you like he is missing Katlyn?" "What if he died like that?" "How would you live without him?"  
  
Her mind seemed to be playing tricks on her, making questions she couldn't answer. She knew that a good question would never start with a "what if", but she couldn't help it.  
  
She heard a noise coming from the porch and figured it was Luke. "I guess he's done with the diner. Let's go to Kingston"  
  
The three of them went to Kingston in a silent trip. They didn't have anything to say.  
  
  
  
A/N: Thank you for everyone who reviewed, I really appreciate it. Thank you for reading this, I know this chap isn't good but I had to write it anyway. It's the beginning, it always suck. I promise next WILL be better, don't give up on me already, okay? And please, tell me what you think about this story so far 


	3. Kingston

"Let her see how good is to live   
  
It's not the life how it is   
  
But things as they are   
  
You didn't want to help me   
  
So, whose fault is that?"   
  
(Meninos e Meninas by Legião Urbana)  
  
Chapter 2 - Kingston  
  
Rory reached Jess' place while the sun was setting. The calm night was coming and the silence was killing her. Luke and Lorelai went straight to the hotel when they arrived in town. Rory decided to go right to Jess' house. She opened the door quietly. Katlyn's family gave it to Luke when they arrived and he passed it to Rory. She entered the living room and wandered through it. She had never been in his place before, or in his town for that matter. And now she was feeling guilty for it. Since he started dating Katlyn their relationship wasn't the same and they started to lose touch. It shouldn't had happened. She couldn't really say what had happened to their realtionship but she knew that even both of them being guilty for this, she had more blame than him. He had visited her and Stars Hollow folks a few times and he even called her from time to time, and this wasn't a Jess thing at all. But he did it for her anyway. And she hardly called and never went to his town! She'd always say she's too busy with work and couldn't get a break. Now she was in his living room, surrounded by pictures of him and Katlyn, and just now she could really notice how much Jess had changed.  
  
He was all grew up and maybe that's why he looked wiser. Actually he didn't look all this different, his face and his body were the same. But his eyes were different and that alone changed everything. They looked brighter, what someone would usually say was a good change. But Rory knew better, she really did know him. His eyes were dark and that's the way they should be. Something was wrong in all that pictures, something was missing. She didn't know what, but she knew it was there.  
  
Rory reached the coffee table and unfolded a note with Jess' handwriting. "I had to go. Sorry. Need to find myself again. Went to an old friend. Don't know how long will be gone - Jess"  
  
An old friend. Someone from his past, their past - together. Rory pulled this thought away, it wasn't the time. They had a lot of friends back there, but she had a feeling about who he was refering on the note. Josh. They're really close back then and they always could count on each other. He was living in a city not too far from there, about three hours away. She could go after him in the next day. Now she was too tired and she had to get back to the hotel where her mother and Luke were waiting her, but definitely tomorrow she'd go see Josh. And Jess. She needed to find him before she lose him for good.  
  
Rory woke up in an empty bedroom. She could feel kisses on her shoulder. Jess' kisses. No, it wasn't happening, she was just remembering. And missing. She pulled this thoughts aside, she had Mark now. Mark! "Oh my God, I forgot to tell Mark!", she screamed. She sat on bed, grabbed the phone and dialed the familiar number. On the third ring Mark answered.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey, it's me"  
  
"Rory?"  
  
"Yeah. So, how are you?"  
  
"Fine, fine. So, why are you calling at 7 a.m.?"  
  
"Mark, do you remember that friend of mine? Jess? Well, his girlfriend died yesterday"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry"  
  
"Yeah, me too. Anyway, when I got to know that she died I came to his town with mom and Luke, to support him"  
  
"So, how is he?"  
  
"I guess not so good. He ran away. He left a note saying he needed some time out..."  
  
"Sorry you couldn't help him. But, hey, you tried..."  
  
"So I'll go after him"  
  
"What?"  
  
"He said he'd go to an old friend and I have a guess of who this friend would be"  
  
"What about work?"  
  
"I'll take vocations"  
  
"And...your mom?", he tried, loking for a reason for her not to go.  
  
"She can handle herself", Rory told him matter-of-factly.  
  
"So you're really going?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"How long will you be gone?"  
  
"I don't know. A while"  
  
"Okay"  
  
"I'll call you"  
  
"Right"  
  
"I have to hung up now. Bye"  
  
"Bye"  
  
Rory hung up the phone thinking what she would do now. She wanted to get up, grab her bags and fall on the rode. Go find him. But then she remembered that in the next day would be Katlyn's funeral and decided to stay. She needed to be there for some reason. She didn't really know what was this reason but she knew there was a reason. She got up, took a shower and then called her mother.  
  
"Good morning mom"  
  
"Good morning sweeties. So, how are you? How it was yesterday in Jess' place?"  
  
"He left a note saying he needed some time out and he was going to visit some old friend"  
  
"Someone you know?"  
  
"He didn't say a name but I think so"  
  
"So...now that Jess is not here and you are sure about it you don't have any reason to go to the funeral. Are you going back to Stars Hollow today?"  
  
"No, actually I'll just go for a walk. Tomorrow I'll go to the funeral and as soon as it's over I'll go to this old friend's place to see if Jess is there"  
  
"Where is this freind's house?"  
  
"About three or four hours away from here"  
  
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?"  
  
"Yes, I'm sure, dear mother"  
  
"Okay then", Lorelai said as if Rory had asked her permission.  
  
"Gee mom, thanks. Anyway, I'm going for a walk now. Bye"  
  
"Buh-bye"  
  
Rory hung up the phone and left the hotel. She went downtown to find some tourists stores. There she bought a few maps, then in her way to the hotel she bought some flowers to the funeral. When she got in her hotel room she took the address book from her purse and looked in the map to find the town where she'd go in a few hours. Then she lied in bed and fell asleep, thinking how odd could be to see this two friends after so many years.  
  
A/N: Okay, from now on I consider this as a story, until here it was just pure boring. Please, don't give up on me already...I promise you I'll try my best in this story. And please, let me know what you think about it so far. I really want to know, so drop a line. Thank you so much. 


	4. Josh Part I

Chapter 3 - Josh - Part I  
  
  
  
"I wonder if you'll ever know  
  
How much I think about you  
  
With my heart"  
  
(Descobrimento do Brasil by Legião Urbana)  
  
  
  
Rory, Luke and Lorelai were in their way to the funeral. All of them were wearing black clothes and holding flowers on their hands. The cerimonial was simple, fast and sad. Her parents cried all time and everyone looked depressed. She must had been a great person.   
  
Rory looked at a picture of Katlyn on the funeral, they were really alike. She was just as height as Rory, but she was a natural blonde with brown eyes. Her eyes were the lightest shade on brown, which reminded Rory about Jess' eyes on the pictures of him that she had seen on his apartment. He must have been happy with her. When the funeral was over Rory said goodbye to Luke and Lorelai and started her trip to Albany, where Josh lived.  
  
In the way to Albany she started to remember how they had met Josh. Josh had hit on Rory on the first time he saw her. Rory said she had a boyfriend and Josh offered them to be friends then. Of course Rory accepted and they became good friends. Jess got know that Rory was friend of a guy who hit on her and asked her to meet him. She introduced one to the other and as funny as it could be the two men got along very well. They became even best friends if it was possible. When you get to know Josh better you learn he is kind of Don Juan, he's always hitting on women, no matter what. And Rory was just another girl until they got to know each other better.   
  
He became some kind of bestman to the couple, even if they weren't married. Jess would always come to Josh when he and Rory fought or when he wanted to talk about their relationship. Josh would always come to the couple after a heratbreaking end of his relationship with the girl of the week. It would happen periodically.   
  
After a few hours Rory could finally see the plate that said "Welcome to Albany". She drove in circles for another half hour until she finally found a big house a little far away from the city, where Josh lived.   
  
As soon as she parked her car she noticed that there was just one other car parked near the house and it oblivious wasn't Jess'. She went to the door and rang the doorbell. After a few moments the door opened to reveal a tall, handsome man with messy blond-ish hair.   
  
"My my, if it isn't my Ror", the smiling man said.  
  
"Josh", Rory said leaning to give him a peek on cheeck, "I was never yours"  
  
Josh smirked, "You'll always be mine. In some way."  
  
Rory smiled. He remembered her another handsome boy. Tristan. They were really alike. If she didn't know him any better she would think they were brothers.  
  
"But then again, just a few ways. When I met you you were already taken and as I always knew you will always be his in this 'other' ways."  
  
Rory's smile faded. Josh noticed that and mentioned to her to come in and she did. They went to the kitchen and Josh turned his coffemaker on. They both sat across each other.  
  
"So, why do I deserve the honor of this visit?", he asked already knowing the answer.  
  
"Was Jess here?"  
  
"You didn't come here just to visit me? Oh, I'm really hurt now Rory!", he said in mock indignation.   
  
She smiled. "How long has he been gone?"  
  
"A while", he answered, this time with some seriousness in his voice.  
  
Rory nodded. "You think I could catch him?"  
  
"I think you shouldn't try right now. You just got here, you must be tired. And besides, he left yesterday."  
  
"You know where he went to?"  
  
"Not really. But we both have a guess, don't we?"  
  
"Gyn", she said as if it was general ackolodge.  
  
"Yeah. They were always alike. They lived in New York, they were raised on the streets, they like lonelyness"  
  
"He wasn't like that anymore"  
  
"You know better than me that it was a part of him. It was his past and she was and still is the only person with who he can share it."  
  
"Yeah, I know. It's just..I don't know. She..."  
  
"You were always jealous of her."  
  
"I was not", she defended herself.  
  
"Yes, you were", he paused. "Because of her bound with Jess. A bound that you could never have. You could never be her or substitute her."  
  
Rory was silent for awhile, just looking down at the table. Josh got up to serve their coffee.  
  
"At least I was friendly with her." Rory said suddenly. Josh smiled, this was the old and good childish Rory.  
  
"I am not saying you weren't. I was just saying that you were jealous. And it is understandable"  
  
Rory smiled and admited, "I never liked her."  
  
Josh smiled too. "I know. Jess knows. Everybody knows."  
  
"Jess knows?" Rory looked a little shocked.  
  
"Yeah. We always talked about it. Especially when you two fought."  
  
"What did you talk about?"  
  
"Jess could never understand why you were so jealous of Gyn. She was like his other half. She always anderstood him in the ways that you couldn't. He thought you would be happy for him. That he had found someone so alike to him."  
  
"That's why I was jealous of her. 'She was his other half', 'She understood him in ways you couldn't'. I wanted to be her! I wanted to understand him in all ways possible! I wanted to be his other half!"  
  
"You don't get it, do you?" He said laughing as how Rory didn't understand how things really were. "You couldn't be his other half. He loved you so much. He loved you more than he loved himself. Gyn was his other half, in the kind of life they lived in New York. That's why they were so alike and they understood each other so well. But you don't just complete his life, but you complete his soul as well. He loved Gyn as a sister, as he loved himself. But he loved you much more than he loved himself. Or Gyn for that matter. He never understood how you couldn't see that."   
  
Rory's eyes were filled with tears now. If she blinked they would fall, so she kept her big blue eyes opened, staring at Josh. He smiled tiredly trying to break the ice that he had created telling her all this.   
  
"Well, you'll stay here with me at least tonight, so...I'll bring your bags to the house. I guess you don't want to spend the night in my room, am I right?"  
  
Rory just laughed in respose.  
  
"That's what I thought. So I'll leave them in the guest room", he said. He kissed her forehead and passed by her side in his way to her car.   
  
It was crazy that even after all this years of being apart she could still feel his love. She could still remember the warm feeling that make you feel complete and happy. She could still miss it. Just as she missed his kisses, his touch, his smell, his eyes upon her, his presence.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Josh? Josh?"  
  
Josh opened his eyes slowly to find a pair of blue eyes staring back at him. "Rory?"  
  
It was 2 a.m. and she was knelt besides his bed.  
  
"I couldn't sleep. I need to talk to you."  
  
He smiled remembering the nights that she and Jess fought and she'd go to his dorm to talk about Jes for hours and hours. He pulled the covers up, mentioning to her to lie next to him. She did it just like in the old times.  
  
"How is he?", she asked not looking in his eyes.  
  
"Not good. Not good at all."  
  
"Is he going to be okay?"  
  
"Don't know. He was really odd when he got here. As he was a totaly different person."  
  
"I know. His eyes"  
  
He looked down at her. "I thought you two hadn't seen each other in a long time"  
  
She looked up to answer him. "We haven't. I went to his town when I recieved the news and I saw some pictures of him. His eyes are completely different."  
  
"Yeah. And he is devastated with her death."  
  
"Did he... I mean... Do you think he...loved her?" Rory asked in a small voice, fearing the answer.  
  
Josh sighted. "I don't know. I think you're the only one who can look at him and say if he is or was in love or not. You're the only one who can see through him."  
  
Rory sighted and didn't say a word.  
  
"What?", he asked.  
  
"I don't know if I can do this anymore. What if I can't see through him anymore? What if we lost that, that thing we had?", she cried. "Josh, I'm afraid that I've lost Jess", she said sincerily.   
  
He hugged her. "You didn't. I promise you, you didn't."  
  
"How can you be so sure?"  
  
"Because..."  
  
"Because?"  
  
"Because... when he came here a few days ago we talked about you"  
  
Rory pulled away from his embrace, "About me?"  
  
"Yes, kind of. I asked about you and he said he didn't know how you were with that sad face, but for a moment his eyes shone"  
  
"Is it true?", she asked doubting.  
  
He looked into her eyes and answered, "Yes".  
  
She could see he was telling the truth, so she just cameback to his embrace and tried to fall asleep. She prefered to spend the rest of the night with just this one answer than with other questions or answers that she didn't really want to hear.  
  
  
  
A/N: I hope you like it. Thank you for those who reviewed and please tell me that you think about it so far. I really need to know.Thank you 


	5. Josh Part II

A/N: I'm so sorry it took me so long to update, but there are so many things going on in my life right now... Anyway, I feel horrible about not updating. Especially because this story means a lot to me. I'm feeling kind of down, so please, review, even if it is just say that I suck, I mean, if you say it in a nice way.   
  
"When I saw myself   
  
Having to live   
  
Just with the world and myself  
  
You came to me as a good dream  
  
And I got scared  
  
I'm not perfect, I don't forget it  
  
The richness that we have   
  
No one is able to notice  
  
And thinking about this  
  
It makes me, a grow up man  
  
Get scared and not be able to sleep"  
  
Chap 4 - Josh - Part II  
  
Josh woke up in the next day, took a shower and went to work. He was a very successful businessman and worked in a big company, but Rory never got to know what were their services more specifically. When Rory woke up she found a note on the nightstand next to the bed.   
  
'Went to work. Will be home at 5. If you want to go for a walk there will be some kind of town festival downtown. Think you gonna like it. Josh'  
  
Rory got up, took a shower and went downtown. When she reached the celebration she realized how much this little town remembered her of Stars Hollow. She saw a couple hugging and laughing across the street. She missed it. She didn't have it with Mark, and she never felt that way with Dean. Just Jess could provoke those feelings in her. Just he had this power.   
  
*Flashback*  
  
Rory and Jess were at the Stars Hollow Anniversary Celebration. She had spent two weeks trying to convince him to go to the festival. At the end he gave up and they went together. There was a lot of decoration and tends selling souvenirs from Stars Hollow. Rory went from tend to tend with Jess following her. When he reached her in one of this tends he could see her playing with a key ring the said "Yours forever". She tried to hide it from him when she realized his eyes observing her, but she had already been caught.   
  
She smiled saying, "It's nothing really. I just thought it was sweet". Knowing Jess wasn't really a fan of heart to heart gestures, she said the words more to herself than to him, trying to convince herself that it really wasn't big deal the fact that her boyfriend wasn't able to open up and do some cheesy gestures once in a while. She didn't want to pressure him. He hated when people did it to him. But it was something she hadn't learned how to deal with yet, and sometimes it bothered her. Jess reached her hand and took the key ring from her.   
  
'It's not a dig deal', she told herself. 'So what he doesn't like to be mellow. He loves me, he just has another way to show it', Rory thought.  
  
Jess took the key ring from her and bought it, to Rory's surprise. Than he took a permanent pen from his pocket, that he usually used to vandalize benches and walls at school, and wrote something in the key ring. Taking her hand in his and opening it, he put the key ring on it. He kissed her lightly and started walking to another tend, just like nothing had happened.   
  
As soon as he was out of sight she opened her hand to see what he had written on the key ring. In one side it was written 'Yours forever'. She turned it around and read in a low voice, 'From Jess to Rory'. She smiled like a fool. After all he wasn't that bad when he tried to romantic. Who said bad boys couldn't be mellow?   
  
They spent all day at the festival and when night came Jess walked Rory to the Gilmore's house. They entered the house to find it empty. She took his hand and led him to her room. They lied in bed next to each other, Rory resting her and hand on Jess' chest, listening carefully his heart beating.   
  
He stroked her hair, "What's bothering you?"  
  
"Nothing"  
  
"You know..." he said in a thoughtful voice. "You're probably the worst liar ever."  
  
Rory laughed softly. "It's nothing big."  
  
"What's it?"  
  
"The key ring."  
  
Jess seemed slightly surprised. "Why? You didn't like it?"  
  
"No, no. I loved it. It's just...is it true?"  
  
"What?" he asked playing dumb.  
  
"You know what", she answered, hitting him playfully on his arm.  
  
"Yeah, it is", he said honestly.  
  
"Huh."  
  
"That's my quote"  
  
Rory stood in silence, and it was making Jess grown uncomfortable. "Why? You don't believe it?" he asked with a hint of hurt in his voice.   
  
"It's not that. It's just...it's so not you to be romantic and stuff"  
  
"I can be this way for you...sometimes. Just don't get used to it", he smirked.  
  
"Ditto."  
  
"What?"  
  
"What was written on the key ring. Ditto."  
  
"Written on the key ring? I can't remember what was written there. Could you remind me?" he said teasingly.  
  
Rory smiled and locked eyes with him. "I'm yours forever. I'll be yours forever." she said and kissed him passionately. When they broke apart she could hear him whispering something, but she couldn't figured what he'd said. "What?"  
  
"I'm yours forever. I love you". She smiled at him and they started kissing again.  
  
*End of Flashback*  
  
Rory went to Josh's again. When he got home he wandered through the house calling for Rory, but no one answered. He finally found her sitting on a chair on the porch. He took a chair and sat next to her. They stood looking at the horizon in silence until Rory broke it.  
  
"I love him", she stated simply.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Jess"  
  
"Huh"  
  
"That's all you have to say?"  
  
"Are you insane? Are you sure? They are all valid questions too"  
  
"I don't think I'm insane and I think I'm sure"  
  
"What about your boyfriend?"  
  
"How do you know I have a boyfriend?"  
  
"Jess told me"  
  
"How?"  
  
"It seems that Luke had told him"  
  
"Shit"  
  
"It's not like it was a secret or something, right? People talk. Did you really think that Jess wouldn't get to know sooner or later?"  
  
"I know. I know"  
  
"So, you do love him?"  
  
"Yeah, in some way"  
  
"In what way?"  
  
"Not sure"  
  
"You should try to figure it soon"  
  
"Yeah, maybe it's just his memory"  
  
"Maybe. Maybe not"  
  
Rory was silent for a moment and then got up and entered the house. "I'm leaving tomorrow", she said while passing by his side.   
  
Night came smoothly. Rory was lying in bed, trying to sleep, but her eyes were fully open. Talk to Josh made her remember a past that she had long forgotten. And now she felt the memories rushing back. She missed his arms around her waist, his lips brushing her nape, his scent all over the place.   
  
*Flashback*  
  
They were lying in his bed. He was sleeping; after all it was 2 a.m.. But she was awaken, starring at him. It had been a stressing day and he supported her even not knowing why she was so angry. It was something she really liked about him; he was always there for her. Now she was calmer. Just the sight of him made her calmer.   
  
"I love you", she whispered.  
  
He put his arm around her waist and pulled her closer, in a protective position where all his body was touching hers, as not to let her go.  
  
"Same here", he replied.  
  
"I thought you're sleeping", she accused him.  
  
"Nah. I just thought you weren't in the mood to talk"  
  
"Huh"  
  
"What?" he asked with his eyes still closed.  
  
"You're so caring, and still no one knows. Just me."  
  
"And they won't ever know", he kissed her hair and paused, "Why? Does it bother you?"  
  
"No. It makes me feel especial actually"  
  
He laughed softly and brought his mouth to her era, "That's because you are. You are the one I love."  
  
*End of Flashback*  
  
Rory wondered if it'd ever be possible to hold moments like that forever and relive them repeatedly. She knew that if she could, she'd live all her moments with Jess again and again and again. Even the fights. Because then they would make up, and this was the best part. Oh, she loved making up. It was all so slow and each touch was so calculated. It was like some especial kind of dancing, like art. She missed that too.   
  
She felt empty and lonely. Closing her eyes she put those feelings aside, remembering his words, "I'm yours forever". That warmed her. Later that night she fell asleep, counting all things that she missed so much in her life with him.  
  
Next morning Rory packed her belongs and with Josh's help loaded the car.   
  
"Thanks, for letting me stay. And thanks...for everything, you know"  
  
Josh smiled, "Your welcome. Anytime."  
  
They hugged for a long moment. "You have Gyn's address?"   
  
Josh took a small piece of paper from his pocket and gave it to Rory, "I thought you'd ask"  
  
"Thanks", she said and gave a peek on his cheek. Entering the car she looked at the paper that read 'Santa Fé Street, 402 - Syracure'. Starting the car and driving off she hoped get in Santa Fé before Jess has left. Again. 


	6. Gyn Part I

A/N: I'm so sorry it took me so long. I just didn't like this chap, so I tried to rewrite it like a thousand times, just to find out that this story is like the real life to me: I can't change, rewrite or turn back in time in it. I can just write it. I hope you let me know what you are thinking about it, no matter if you like it or think it sucks, please, just let me know. I would really appreciate it.   
  
"And who will say  
  
That there is a reason  
  
In the things made by the heart?  
  
And who will say  
  
That there is no reason?"  
  
(Eduardo & Monica by Legião Urbana)  
  
Chap 05 - Gyn - Part I  
  
Rory stopped ina agas station and asked information aboutwhere the "Black Rose" club was. The man gave her some directions and in about ten minute she was there. It was closed, of course, it was only 5 pm. She knocked on the door, in hope there was someone inside.  
  
"We're closed! Come back in a few hours", a feminine voice yelled from inside.  
  
"Gyn? Is that you?"  
  
The door opened and a woman with short black hair and beautiful green eyes came into view looking suspicious at Rory. "Who are you?"  
  
Rory sighted. 'Yeah, that's Gyn', she thought to herself. "Hey Gyn. It's me, Rory. Remember? Back in college? I used to be Jess' girlfriend? Does any of it ring a bell?"  
  
"Oh,yeah. Little princess", the woman said with sarcasm. It was obvious her resemblance with Jess. The same attitude, the same sarcasm.   
  
"And that's how you used to call me." Rory conclued in a not so enthusiasmed way.  
  
"So? What do you want?"  
  
"Okay, straight to the point. Is Jess here?"  
  
"Why do you wanna know?"  
  
"I'm trying to find him."  
  
"If he wants to be found you will find him then", Gyn said closing the door in Rory's face. But Rory stopped her, holding the door, "Look, I know we've never been friends. And I know you don't like me, and I don't really care. To tell the truth, I don't like you either. But I'm not here because of you; I'm here because of Jess. And I'm not leaving until I get some answers."  
  
Gyn seemed to be surprised with Rory's reaction. Actually, she thought Rory seemed to be changeds in a way that she could even respect her a little. The princess had aparently left her throne. "Well, well, if the Little Princess didn't grow up? It seems one day she'll even get to be an Evil Queen." Gyn said with desdain, but opened the club's door so Rory could come in.  
  
The green eyed woman went behind the counter and started unpacking some boxes. Rory followed her and sat on the stool waiting to Gyn start talking.  
  
"He was here fora couple of days, but he left yesterday morning. He must be far away by now."  
  
Rory looked down. She should have known he'd be gone by now. Getting up and heading to the door she told Gyn, "Thanks anyway."  
  
Gyn turned around and looked at Rory, "Look, I don't like you or anything, but I really do care about Jess. SO, I was thinking, maybe you could stay here until tomorrow. I have to work tonight, but we could talk later. And I am not doing this for you, I'm really concerned about Jess. Just to make things clear."  
  
Rory knew it was true and nodded. "Okay, I'll just go find a hotel and i'll come by latter."  
  
"No way in hell. You won't find any goood hotel around here. And the ones that you may find, well, they're not safe to a 'princess' like you. You're staying in my place", she said searching in her pockets for the key.  
  
"No, I can't. I'll just go find a hotel", Rory insisted. Gyn locked eyes with her, "I already said, you're staying with me. I'm not doing this for you, i'm doing this for Jess. He'll never forgive me if something happens to you."  
  
Rory nodded in understanding and took the key that Gyn was offering her. Then she heard Gyn's directions to her apartment and went frove there to sleep for a few hours.  
  
When Rory got to Gyn's place she found out it was exactly how she thought it would be. It was small but with a lot of attitude. There were so many colors and pictures all over the place. Pictures of Gyn with other people in the most exotic places.   
  
Rory wandered around, finding crazy clothes and strange souvenirs from all around the world. That was Gyn. It seemed she had never found a place to call home, the wworld was her home. Wherever she was, she could feel comfortable there for the time being, and when she got enough from the place she would leave without any problem. And she seemed to like it this way. Rory laid in a enormous bed with doxens of pillows. 'It must be fun to live life this way', Rory thought. Of course, she'd never get used to it, even she tried, she didn't really want to try. But she wondered if Jess missed it while they were together. Rory was the kind of girl who cared about school, family and other people who didn't even make part of her life. And to date her Jess had to get used to it and in some ways be a part of it. But did he ever want it? Sje didn't think so. And she fell asleep thinking about Jess, and how he felt when they're dating, or at least wondering about it...  
  
"Sleeping Beauty?"  
  
Rory rubbed her eyes and opened then. Gyn was sitting by her side, staring at her.  
  
"Um...hey Gyn."  
  
"Hi. So, are you going to the club?" Gyn asked while she chose an outfit.  
  
"No, I don't think so."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"How long do you work there?"  
  
"Three years. I always loved to be a barwoman and I didn't have anywhere to go or anything to do. SO I met this guy that owns the 'Dark Rose' and he hired me. I started as a barwoman but now I'm the one who takes care of it."  
  
"Like a manager?"  
  
"Yeah, you could say that."  
  
"Huh. It seems cool."  
  
"Hey, what's happening? We're talking, like in hanging along."  
  
"I know. Scary."  
  
"I have to agree." They stood in silence. "Anyway, that's nor why you're here."  
  
"Jess."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"How is he?"  
  
"His fiancé died, he doesn't know who he is anymore and he's lost in somewhere trying to find himself. How do you think he is?"  
  
Rory looked down after the comment. Gyn sighted. "You know, he's like a little brother to me. I have to take care of him. I don't like when people get to close to him. That's why I always treated you bad in college."  
  
"I thought you liked Jess as more than a brother", Rory said insinuating.  
  
"Oh, no", Gyn responded, waving a hand in the air as the though was ridiculous. "I'm jealous of him with other girls", she admitted, "but I don't like him in this way."  
  
"Good to know", she said sincerely.  
  
There was a killing silence.   
  
"He is sad", Gyn said. Rory looked up silently asking her to continue. "I don't know what happened. It seems there is something more than her death. While they were together, well, he at least pretended to be happy. But now looks like he can't fake it anymore. But he's not like the old Jess too. He dropped the sarcasm, or at least he reduced it a lot. And the smart-ass comments too. I don't know, but there is something wrong with him", she conclued.  
  
"Yeah, Josh and I agree."  
  
"You know, I know it's not my place to say it, and I'm not really comfortable saying it either, but he really loved you back in college."  
  
Rory smiled at the thought. It was good to know that even Gyn recognized it. "I know, I loved him too."  
  
"So, what are you going to do when you find him?"  
  
"I don't know. Talk, tell him how sorry I am that Kaitlyn died and we lost touch. Ask him forgiveness. Try to be friends again. Try to figure out what happened to him, why he is so different."  
  
"I hope you find him."  
  
Rory looked at her curiously, "Really?"  
  
"Yeah. No matter how much I hate it, the fact is you are the one who completes him. You're the one who can save him, even from himself."  
  
"Thanks for believing in it."  
  
"I don't believe, I know. I know Jess."  
  
"I hope I still know him too."  
  
"Don't worry. Something like you two had can't be forgotten. Especially to Jess. He'll always care about you. He will always know you, and so will you know him." 


	7. Gyn Part II

"Your love is confused, it's out off course  
  
My love is innocent, it's sacred   
  
You're love has no path, it's crazy  
  
My love is urgent, it's despaired  
  
But tell me what's the matter   
  
In expect love from someone   
  
That's so different from me"  
  
So Different by Nenhum de Nós   
  
Chap 06 - Gyn - Part II  
  
Gyn went to the bar and left Rory wandering through her apartment. Rory could easily see how different their lives were and why Gyn hated her being with Jess so much... she figured that Gyn always thought Jess was just pretending to be a not-so-bad-boy because of Rory. And he would look like a lot more like Gyn if he were really being himself. It's like it was Rory's fault. She didn't get that he had changed. Now Rory understood that.  
  
It was painful for Rory to realize how distant from Jess she was. She never thought they would grow apart as much as they did, and now looking into pictures of him, him and Gyn, she wandered how she this happen.  
  
She called a pizza and listened some music. There was no TV to be watched at Gyn's place but Rory didn't really expect it to have. After an undefined time of boredom Rory decided to read. She took "100 Love Sonnets" by Pablo Neruda from her purse and started to read. She could easily remember the last time she had read Neruda. Jess was actually reading "100 Love Sonnets" and she was reading "20 Love Poems and a Song of Despair". Oh, it was like it had just happened.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
They were still lying in bed. His arm wrapped around her waist, his other hand holding the book he was reading. It was a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon in Jess' opinion. He looked over her shoulder to see what she was reading.  
  
"Naked, you are simple as one of your hands,  
  
Smooth, earthy, small, transparent, round:  
  
You have moon-lines, apple-pathways:  
  
Naked, you are slender as a naked grain of wheat."  
  
He read out loud smiling. "How come you're not blushing?" he asked in a whisper.  
  
"Let me read", she ignored him.  
  
"Naked, you are blue as a night in Cuba;  
  
You have vines and stars in your hair;  
  
Naked you are spacious and yellow  
  
As summer in a golden church."  
  
"No blushing yet?" he asked her. When he was sure she wouldn't answer he kept whispering the poem in her ear in his husky voice.  
  
"Naked, you are tiny as one of your nails -  
  
Curved, subtle, rosy, till the day is born  
  
And you withdraw to the underground world"  
  
"Uh, that's turning me on. You sure you're not even a little embarrassed for reading in front of me? Or should I say to have me reading this to you? Especially since we're still in bed…" he asked smiling with a tone of judgment.  
  
She turned her head to him blushing furiously, "You're SO mean."  
  
He laughed softly and kissed her lightly on the lips. "And still you love me", he teased her.   
  
Rory sighted, "You know, I can't understand how you never get embarrassed or uncomfortable with anything", she told him a little frustrated.  
  
He smiled at her and got his forgotten book again, reading out loud,   
  
"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,  
  
I love you simply, without problems or pride:  
  
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving  
  
But this, in which there is no I or you,  
  
So intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,  
  
So intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close."  
  
"That's my favorite poem", he pause, "and that's how I feel about you", he blushed lightly.  
  
She knelt on bed getting on top of him. He rested his hands on her tights, looking down. Reaching his chin, she made him look at her.   
  
"Rory, I really not like you. You can say anything about sex and I won't have a problem with it, I won't even blink. I'm so used to it, I mean, back in New York I was already experienced. But you, our current position makes you blush", he paused. And indeed Rory was blushing. "Now, if we start talking about what I feel, how I feel, then I'll have problems. It's just so… uncomfortable for me. You, on the other hand, were raised telling people how you felt. Are you understanding what I'm saying?"  
  
Rory smiled, "That if I want to tease you as much as you tease me when you start talking about sex all I have to do is start a heart-to-heart conversation", she said playful.  
  
Jess smiled at her childish way to see what he was telling her.  
  
She leaned in, kissed his check and whispered, "I understand. I just want you to know that you can talk about anything to me. Including your feelings I'd love to hear about that."  
  
She pulled herself away just a little, so they had eye contact. "Then it'd be a pleasure to hear you talking about sex", he smirked.   
  
She blushed, "Maybe some other time."  
  
"Right, right."  
  
He turned her in bed so he was above her, kissing her. Their books forgotten aside.  
  
*End of Flashback*  
  
Yeah, she missed him. Not just his presence or his conversation, but his body and his comfort as well. He knew how to express everything he thought with words and everything he felt with looks and gestures. This was the way he was and this was what she missed so much. She started reading again and fell into a restless sleep.  
  
Next morning she woke up, took a shower and got her things together before Gyn was awake.   
  
When Gyn opened her eyes Rory was sat on a chair in front of her, sipping a mug of coffee.  
  
"Why do I have the impression that you were just waiting me to wake up?"  
  
Rory smiled, "Thank you for everything."  
  
Gyn stood up and both girls hugged weirdly, "Your welcome."  
  
She looked at Rory. "Damn it, I really shouldn't be doing this, but he's at Jack and Jen. Do you know where they live right?"   
  
"Yes, I know. Thanks."  
  
The two girls hugged again and Rory whispered to Gyn, "Don't worry, I'll take care of him."  
  
Rory took her purse and left the apartment. She got in her car and drove off the road; it'd be a long trip.  
  
A/N: I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I'll try to update more often, and since I already have some chaps done I think it's really going to happen. Please review and let know what you think. 


	8. Josh and Jen Part I

A/N: Hey, before you read the story, I **REALLY** need a beta reader to help me correcting my grammar and spelling, so if anyone is interested please e-mail at gabrielle_rs@yahoo.com. Thanks!!!  
  
"I'm learning   
  
To live without you  
  
Since you don't love me anymore  
  
...  
  
When you've stopped loving me   
  
I've learned how to forgive  
  
And ask forgiveness"  
  
29 by Legião Urbana  
  
Chap 07 - Josh and Jen - Part I  
  
As soon as Jen and Josh's house was visible Rory could see Josh working on the garden in front of their big house. She parked next to the house and got out of the car shutting it with a slam. Josh looked up and Rory said, "Let me guess. He's already gone?"  
  
Josh smiled, "As always, you're right."  
  
He left the garden to hug his old friend, "Oh, I missed you, ya know? Can't you call me once in a while just to say that you're fine?"  
  
"I'm sorry, I've been really busy. So, where's Jen? How's she?"  
  
"Architects! They can't stop working but she's doing fine. Lots of stress, always with pressure and living in the edge. One of this days she'll have a heart attack or something."  
  
"Yeah, that's Jen. And how are you?"  
  
"I'm great. I get some good money being a lawyer and I just love it. I don't do I for money, you know? If I had to have another job I would still be a lawyer just as a hobby. Just like Jess would be a writer. The difference between me and Jess is that I have more things in my life, I'm not a workaholic."  
  
She laughed, "It's pretty funny you two being twins and so close...still you are so different."  
  
"True. The only thing we have in common is our undying love for Matt Damon."  
  
Rory laughed at Jack. He was gay and had no problem with that or saying it to whoever wanted to know. Thought in college he didn't really like to talk about it and was more discreet about the subject to avoid gossips, he soon found out there would always be gossips, and the best way to deal with it was simply ignoring it. "So, you haven't find 'your guy' yet?" she asked.  
  
"No. He's still out there, dating some idiot and having the worst time in his life. But don't worry, he'll find me." He said convicted.  
  
"Sure he will."  
  
"Yeah. But I'm guessing you didn't drive all the way here just to know we are?"  
  
He knew why she was there and there was no reason to deny it. "So, how long has he been gone?"  
  
"Not much. He left this morning."  
  
"So I still have a chance to catch him?" she asked hopeful.  
  
"Nun-huh. Jen would kill me if I'd let you come here and leave without seeing her."  
  
"Jack, I *need* to go. Maybe you don't understand how important this is but I have to find him."  
  
"Rory he's not ready to meet you yet", he said seriously.  
  
"But Jack-" she whined frustrated before accepting that Jack was probably right and give in, "So, can I stay here for the night?"  
  
He hugged her, trying to comfort her. "Of course darling, of course."  
  
Dinner was already and Rory was setting the table, both waiting for Jen get home.   
  
"Does she always get home this late?" Rory asked.  
  
"I told you, she became a workaholic. And please, you ask like you weren't just like her."  
  
Thinking back she had to admit he was right. But it scared her to become so obsessed with work, and to have no time out with friends and family. Even Mark suffered form her negligence. 'Oh God, Mark!' she thought to herself. She had completely forgotten about Mark. She ran to the room in which she was staying and called Mark, feeling like it was her obligation.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey, honey", she tried to sound sweet.  
  
"Rory? God, I haven't heard from you for days! Where were you? Or better yet, where are you?"  
  
"I'm in a friends' house. I couldn't catch Jess yet so I'm staying here tonight."  
  
"God Rory, do you even realize what you're doing? You've been after this guy for almost a week! A guy that you haven't seen in years! And in the mean time you call your actual boyfriend just twice?"  
  
"I know and I'm sorry, believe me. But I've been with all this old friends and old memories...it's been a little too much."  
  
"I believe you. And that's why I think it's time you come home."  
  
"I can't."  
  
"What do you mean you can't? You've tried to find him. But if he doesn't want to be found there's nothing you can do. Now, you have to come back home", he half-ordered.  
  
"I won't. I'm sorry", she apologized but was firm in her decision.  
  
"No, I'm the one who's sorry. I'm tired of this Rory. You can't take a weekend off to spend time with me but you take undetermined vocations to go after a guy you don't see or speak in years?! And doesn't even want to be found by you?!"  
  
"He doesn't know what he wants."  
  
"Okay, now you're going to defend him? You know what, I think this relationship isn't working the way it should."  
  
"Perhaps", she agreed. "What do you want to do about it?"  
  
"What can we do? I think we can only state what is obvious for quite some time now, say it's over."  
  
"I didn't want this to happen."  
  
"Neither did I. But that's the way it went."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Me too. Goodbye Rory."  
  
"Goodbye Mark."  
  
Could things get any worse? No Jess, no Mark, no crazy deadlines to a difficult article so she could run from her problems. She went back to the kitchen where Jack was putting the sauce in the pasta.  
  
"All done. And Jen will be home any second now", Jack said excitedly.  
  
"My boyfriend just broke up with me by the phone", Rory said much less excited.  
  
"Boyfriend?" A shocked Jen asked, her keys still in her hands, the door opened.  
  
"Jen! I've missed you so much!" Rory went to her friend and hugged her.  
  
"Yeah, me too. But what is this about your boyfriend, I mean, ex-boyfriend, I mean...I don't know what I mean!"  
  
"Okay, Jack just cooked a fabulous pasta. So, while we have dinner I'll tell you everything about... everything. Let's go, I'm starving." Rory lead the way to the dining room leaving behind her two friends looking at each other, silently asking one another if they knew anything about it. After a moment they both followed Rory to the table.  
  
A/N: Thank you for your reviews, especially to smile1. She's an amazing writer and it's a honror to know that she is reading my fics. This chap is dedicated to those who reviewed my last chap (smile1, X-identaty, otownroxx, punkcatwittssues, Gythien Elven Babe and KennyChesney-2004). And thank you for those who take the time to read this fic. It means the world to me. And please, review! 


	9. Jen and Jack Part II

"I want you to know that I still remember

I even wanted you to be here

You're still a part of what makes me strong

And to be honest just a little unhappy

But that's okay

There it comes, there it comes, there it comes again

I think I'm in like with someone

And it's you, who I'll never forget" (Giz by Legião Urbana)

Jen and Jack - Part II

That night Rorywent to bed feeling weird. She wasn't happy or sad, she was just relieved that finally she had finished something that wasn't meant to be, she had been caring a burden, lying and pretending that she felt something that she didn't. at least not for Mark. Trying to remember when she had fallen, she ended up realizing she had never fallen in love with him. And thought now she felt lonely, it wasn't different from how she felt while she was with him.  
  
Lonely, it was such a diffecult feeling to deal with. She could still remember how lonely she felt when he left her for the first time. Sh efelt guilty too, for letting people think he was the on eto blame for her broken wrist. He had left by his own choice, thinking it was what she wanted him to do. But it became pretty clear for everybody what she wanted when she went after him in New York.  
  
Then he was back, but not together, only after that Dance Marathon they had finally let themselves be together. She remembered how akward it was at first, anyway, they worked things out. But life has the weirdest ways, and once again he saw himself as a failure. So he did the only thing he knew how to do; he ran away. No 'goodbye', no 'see youa round'. He just packed his stuff, got into the bus and then he was gone.  
  
Of course it had hurt him. He called her from time to time, wishing he had the courage to speak up. The truth was he knew he would never say anything. He just called because he wanted to hear her voice. He wanted to be sure she was okay, that she was there, that it all hadn't been just a dream, their relationship had really happened. It hurt her too, maybe even more. Thought she kept pretending to everybody it was all fine and that she didn't care that much that he was gone, she was dying inside. Somehow it seemed to be her fault, and at the same time it was totally unpredictable and it could only be his fault.  
  
When he came back a few months later she couldn't believe it. Her life was all planned out and as soon as he showed up she was completely lost again. Completely in love.  
  
First she ignored him, pretending he didn't make any difference. Then she started picking fights with him, showing him all her anger. After that they started talked again like friends. And finally they startde dating again. When fall arrived he went to Yale. He was so smart and he was trying so hard to be a good student, as if it could make it up to her in some way, that he got to graduate with Rory.  
  
But she could never forget the unsettling feeling in her stomach during that four years after he came back. She knew he was there, but she could only wonder for how long. Cosing her eyes, the memory came vividly in her mind.  
  
_Flashback   
  
The sky was blue. It usually would make her happy but right now she was mad at him. She read her watch. 16:57. He should be here almost half hour ago. She liked to sit in that bench, in the middle of the campus, and just stay there, watching everybody. But when he was late she couldn't even notice if it was crowded or empty. It didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was if he was there, if he would come. That really bothered her. Would he come? He always did and she would always sight in relief. But she couldn't help but to remember the time that he left her and went to California. It was a short time, he came back a few months later saying he regreted it and he missed her way too much. He had talked to the principal of Stars Hollow Hight and repeated the last year. Eventually she told him she had forgiven him for leaving. And truth she thought she did. But she couldn't forget how miserable he made her feel. And now everytime he got late she would freak out and start wondering if he had left her again, if he got tired of her or found out he didn't want her anymore. Her rational side knew he wouldn't do that, that it was crazy of her to even think about it and that they were happy together, but what if?  
  
Someone kissed her cheek and she pushed teh person away. She looked at the person's face and recognized Jess. She was deep in thoughts she hadn't even heard him get close to her. Frowing for a moment, she then threw her arms around his neck hugging him and dragging him down to the bench.  
  
"Whoa! Someone is happy to see me", he teased.  
  
She ignored his comment and didn't let go of him. He noticed that and pulled away a little bit to look at her face. Her face was said, her expression unnatural and as soon as their eyes met she started crying. He pulled her back, hugging her tightly, trying to quit her pain.  
  
"What happened?", he whispered in her ear.  
  
"Nothing", she responded between sobs.  
  
He closed his eyes, "Rory, you can tell me. Ehatever it is, you can tell me", he said reasuring her.  
  
She took a deep breathto calm herself down and shiped her tears with the back of her hand. "I just...it's...sometimes I get really mad at you", she laughed, knowing she was making no sense.  
  
He looked at her even more confusedm, "What did I do?"  
  
"Left", she said simply, looking down at her hands.  
  
"What? What do you mean?", he asked in a low voice, not sure if he really wanted to hear her answer.  
  
"It's not about you...not really. But since the time you left me to go to California, everytime you get late I start to wonder what's happening in your mind, what are you doing, if you are going to leave me again..."  
  
He sighted. He definitely didn't want to talk about it, he didn't want to pass through all this. But he knew he had to, for Rory's sake.  
  
"Okay, we need have to talk." He sat by her side at the bench and took her hands on his. "Look, when I left- it was because everuthing was wrong for me in Stars Hollow. I didn't graduate, our relationship- we were having problems, I mean, it was not you, it was me. And then my father showed up and I really wanted to get to know him, you know? And I was so confused and messed up. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't really know what you meant to me back then and how much I would miss you until I left."  
  
She looked at him shyly. "I know. I'm not blaming you or charging you or anything. But I can help to feel this way sometimes."  
  
"Feel what?"  
  
"Insecure", she answered blankly. "I know it's not your problem."  
  
"Actually it is. I made you feel this way. You shouldn't ever wonder if I would leave you suddenly."  
  
"Jess", she looked him in the eye, "just tell me you'll be here. That's all I need to hear right now."  
  
"I am and I will be here for you. I will only leave if you want me too. I promise." He pulled her close and hold her.  
  
Their date forgotten, he guided her to his dorm, in which they talked and talked and talked. He told her to ask everything she wanted to know about him and California so they could figure things out and move on. She did as she was told to, she asked why he left without saying goodbye and why he took so long to come back and if he ever regreted it. She asked everything she knew she would never have another chance to ask. And he answered her, evenly and honestly.  
  
End of Flashback   
_  
After that afternoon they never talked about the subject again. It was resolved and finished, it was dead. And there was no reason to bring it to live again.  
  
She turned in bed thinking about that afternoon. So many feelings exposed, so many truths revealed. She could only imagine how hard it had been for him, to let her in that way, to tell her things. It was childish of her, but she just knew he had never opened up so much for Kaitlyn and that he probably never would to anyone else.  
  
Next morning Rory packed her bag and went to the kitchen to find Jen and Jack having breakfast. They looked at her bag, already knowing she would leave early that morning. They would like to have her there, just like it was back in college, but they knew there was something more important that had to be done.  
  
"Thanks for having me here and for the wonderful pasta."  
  
"Sure, darling. Calls us when you find him, okay?" Jack said, hugging his friend.  
  
"Call me when you get back to Stars Hollow, I want to catch up, right? It was good to see you again." Jen told Rory, also hugging her.  
  
"Sure. I'll call you two. Thanks for everything", she took her bag again, ready to leave. "Oh, by the way, do you have any idea where he is going?"  
  
Jen looked suspiciously at Jack. "Didn't Jack tell you?"  
  
Jack looked at Jen with apologetical eyes.  
  
"Tell me what?" Rory asked, looking from one to the other friend.  
  
Jen turned her attention back to Rory. "Jess said something about going to Stars Hollow. Sorry, I thought you knew."  
  
Rory was shocked. "Jack, how could you not tell me this? How could you let me stay here while he is going to my town?"  
  
"Because I thought it was for the best. I think he would like it that way. Sorry, but I know you understand it", he paused. "Now, go. You have to go find you guy."  
  
She hugged Jack again, "I get it."  
  
"Bye guys. I have to go...find my guy."  
  
A/N: To **smile1** for her kindness and to **StephieM** because she wrote the sweetest review, thanks. Please, review. It would be great to know what you think about it. And yes, Jess will show up in the next chap.


	10. Jess

"Come here, my love

That it's good to see you

The world is so complicated right now

That today I just want to do

Everything for you"

(O Mundo Anda Tão Complicado by Legião Urbana)

**Jess**

Rory had left Jen and Jack's house about 20 minutes ago. She had to, there was nothing there for her. She turned on the radio and some lame song started. She stared out of the window into the desert that was around her. The road was empty, the day was hot and she had no idea about what to do. Was he ready to see her? Was she ready to see him? She had been chasing him all the way, but now that she was so close she wasn't sure anymore if she had the guts to go to him and do something. She wasn't even sure what this something was.

There was so much going on in her mind, in her heart. All those confused thoughts, all those mixed feelings. She had broken up with Mark and odd enough it felt right. She couldn't keep that relationship, it wasn't working. She knew that from the start, but it Mark was such a good guy, and maybe it would work out eventually. At least it was what she kept telling herself. And now that it was over she felt relieved.

Then there were feelings towards Jess. She didn't know what it was, but it felt surreally in love. And she wanted so badly to figure it out. She wanted to lay the cards on the table and find out exactly where both of them stood. But she just didn't know where to go.

She took a deep breath. She was starting to get homesick, right now she only wanted to cuddle in her bed and rest. She had been feeling tired and frustrated. It seemed like he was running from her, thought Jack said now he was probably running to her. She simply didn't know if it was true or not. She didn't know if she should go back to Stars Hollow or keep hunting him. She sighted frustrated, thinking that if he actually wanted to find her he would go to Stars Hollow, and took the left road. She was going home.

Six hours later Rory was in the middle of nowhere. The rain was pouring pretty hard and she was about 200 miles away from home. She decided to stop for the night in a little motel by the road and sleep there. Parking her car next to the motel, she ran in the ran to the door and entered the place.

The motel didn't look so bad, actually it looked very decent. It had an old pink flowered wallpaper and the furniture was all in dark wood. The place was small, there was a reception desk with an old gold lamp, a stairs to its left that probably took the guests to their rooms and at the other side of the reception desk there was a door that should lead to the kitchen. By the front door there were two chairs. The first thing Rory noticed when she entered the motel were the soaked umbrellas on the right corner of the room. She looked down to the dark wooden floor and finally realized she was feeling cold, everything that day seemed to be happening in slow motion, like in a movie, and her brain was taking more time than the usual to process her thoughts.

She was going to the reception desktop check in when she noticed someone was already being attended. She took a few steps back to give the guests his deserved privacy. It was a little bit weird that he didn't have any company. Maybe he was in the same situation that she was, maybe he just needed some place to stay for the night.

When the receptionist finally gave him the key to his room and he turned around to go up the stairs, she had a glimpse of his face. Jess. He slowly turned around. She hadn't noticed she had said his name out loud.

"Rory", he recognizes her and she nodded.

"What are you doing here?" he asked her.

"Looking for you."

This answer took him by surprise; it was so honest.

"Do you want to go to my room?"

"Yeah, it would be nice."

He went to the stairs and she followed closely. They climbed it in a painful silence, neither of them knowing what to say. They reached the door to his room and he unlocked it, opening the door for her.

"Thanks", she said while stepping in the small room.

He followed her inside, closed the door and put his backpack on the floor, next to the wall. She looked around the room uncomfortable and decided to sit on the bed. He thought it was more prudent of him to sit on the armchair. He thought it was strange that there was an armchair in a motel room, but after all he had lived, strange had become normal to him.

"It's been awhile", she tried to start the conversation.

"Yeah", he agreed.

"I'm sorry about Katlyn."

"Me too", he nodded.

The extremely awkward silence was between them again, and she just needed to break it.

"I want to talk to you but I don't know how to start it", she said honestly.

Listening to her confusion both seemed to relax a bit.

"You said you were after me", he reminded her.

"Yeah, after I heard about Kaitlyn I went to Kingstone and found your note. Since then I've been after you; following you from town to town."

"And we finally meet in the middle of nowhere. Ironic, huh?"

"Yeah, I would say so."

"Is there a reason for you to be following me?"

"Yes, I suppose there is."

"And it would be...?"

She looked away, "I wanted to be sure that you would be okay."

She wasn't really lying, she just wasn't telling him all truth.

"Well, I'll be okay eventually. Thanks for caring." He said getting up and going to the minibar to get himself a bottle of water.

"Where were you going?" she asked nervously, trying to find anything that could keep their conversation going on.

He sat again in his armchair and answered evenly, "Stars Hollow."

"But you hated Stars Hollow", she said a little to spontaneous.

"Well, you live in Stars Hollow."

Her jaw dropped a little as realization came in. He really was going to her.

"Okay...yeah...uhm, I live in Stars Hollow. So, you were going to see me?"

"Yeah, I thought it was about time."

She sighted relieved, and it seemed it had taken a burden from her shoulders, one that she hadn't even noticed she was carrying.

So, you were going to knock on my door and ask to stay there and talk to me for a couple of days? Just like you did in all other places?"

"Actually I wouldn't ask to stay in your house; I would stay in the Inn. But other than that..." he trailed off.

"Why the Inn? We were much more intimate than that from what I remember."

He looked away and took a deep breath before looking at her again and answering, "If I remember correctly his name is Mark."

She nodded slowly. "You always had a good memory. I could never compete with you when it came to quoting books."

He looked at the night stand where the keys were, focusing on them. Focusing at anything but the fact that she was confirming there was a 'Mark'.

"We don't live together", she said softly, "to be honest we are not even together anymore."

Jess dragged his eyes to her face, "I'm sorry", he said, not really meaning it.

"No, you are not", she affirmed and he looked at her in the eye, accepting that she still knew him so damn well. "But I don't want you to be either. I'm not."

"Glad to hear it."

"Then I'm glad to tell you."

"So, why did you and Mark break up? I know it's none of my business and I didn't meet him..."

"You."

"What?", he asked confused.

"He didn't take the news that his girlfriend was leaving town to go after her ex-boyfriend very well. I can't really blame him."

"Yeah, I guess you can't", he agreed.

The stayed in a long silence, just listening to the rain pouring outside,

"Why did you run away?"

Jess leaned against his armchair and sighted, "I just couldn't stay there."

"Still, you didn't have to run from place to place for weeks", she pondered.

"I wanted to remember how it felt...it's been so long...", he said, distracted.

"What?"

"College, you and me...and just the people that were there with us, with who we spent time with back then...I thought they were the only ones who could help me remember."

"I was worried about you", she confessed in a low voice.

"I'm fine."

She looked hard at him. Her eyes piercing his until he spoke.

"I will be."

She looked at her hands. She suddenly had the urge to hug him, but she couldn't. They had been apart for a long time, she didn't know if the gesture would be well accepted or if it would be awkward for them. So she kept her hands busy, playing with the hem of her shirt.

"Do you intend to go back to Kingstone?" she changed the subject.

"I will have to, eventually."

"for good?"

"I don't know...there's nothing really attaching me there."

She paused, trying to weight her next words, "You could always come back to Stars Hollow."

"No, I can't", he answered quicker than she had expected, putting absolutely no real thought into it. It was automatic answer, the only answer he could give her.

"Of course you can", she insisted. "There is always Luke and me to help you out with whatever you need."

His eyes became glassy and red. She couldn't remember when was the last she had seen him crying. She remembered she had seen him crying once, just after he came back from California and everything was still messy between them. But after that she couldn't remember seeing him drop one single tear. The scene happening in front of her was new and scary. He kept quiet, knowing he had to speak first.

"It would be no good for you. And that would be bad for me."

"How can you say that?", she still tried to mask the hurt in her voice.

"I don't know. Sometimes I just feel I can't ever have someone forever. It seems I was born to be alone."

"It's not true. I'm here. You could always reach me."

"Until when? When it's going to end?"

"Never!"

"Oh, I do have to disagree. Nothing in my life lasts, Rory."

"Hey, I'm here. Since I met you I've always been here to you and I intend to keep it this way."

"Don't you understand? It hurts. It hurts that no one can be around me for too long. It hurts that I didn't...it hurts that my first thought when...when I got to know..." He was sobbing. It really disturbed Rory, she felt so lost seeing the toughest person she knew so vulnerable.

"What? What hurts Jess? Maybe I can help you", she tried. She would do anything to end his pain.

"No, you can't. I can't...pass through this again."

She knelt down in front of his chair, her hands on his knees, trying to make him look at her, "Jess, please, tell me. Let me try to help you."

He tried to control his sobbing with little success. "It's horrible, but...when I got to know that katlyn was-was dead, the first thing I thought was-", he paused crying like a child, face on his hands, hiding his eyes with shame, "was that I was glad it wasn't you. That's when I realized that I would never get over you. That I had never really loved Katlyn. I made her spend all that time with me, and we had this façade relationship where I always lied to her when I said that I loved her. And now she is dead. I made her spend her time with me, a time she should have spent with someone who really loved her. And now she can't, because she is dead.

"Jess...", Rory began, but didn't know what to say.

"I can't believe I was so selfish."

"I'm so sorry", she started again. "But Jess, you thought you loved her. And I know you liked her in some way..."

"Yeah, I did. I did care about her."

"See. You weren't selfish. You were just mistaken. You thought you loved her."

"Yeah, but I didn't."

"You found it out later. Don't do this to yourself. I'm sure she wouldn't have spent her time with anyone else. She cared about you and I know she wouldn't have it any other way."

Now he was crying even more, guilt and relieve mixed in tears.

"Come here", she said, hugging him really tight. She got up, took his hand and led him to bed. They lied besides each other, Jess on Rory's arms. Rory simply kept hugging him while he cried. This is how they fell asleep that night.

**A/N: **Thank you to **Stephanie **for the beta!!! And please, drop a line and let me know what you think about it.


	11. AN

**A/N:** I'm very sorry to write this, but even though this story meant a lot for me for a long while, I cannot continue it. For some reason I don't know what to do with it... I don't know if it is writer's block or whatever. I believe noone even remembers this story, but just in case, I decide to write this note. Thank you for those who actually reat it


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